The Pirate Planet Part One

The one where the TARDIS lands on a planet that isn't there...

There's some great model work opening this episode, of a township that looks very like Logopolis, and a citadel or castle reminiscent of Peladon. It's a shame the models have been shot on video rather than film, giving them a 'This is a Model' look, but there's no denying the detail and the care that's gone into them. That's true of a lot of the model work from this era actually. It's probably more reliable than most other aspects of production!

The lift afforded by the brief glimpse of models is reversed as soon as we meet the Captain, played with head-splitting bluster by Bruce Purchase. From the very outset, I immediately dislike this character and the way it's being played. I also acknowledge that this is a kids' show - during the Graham Williams era more than most - and children would probably love having a lumbering semi-robotic pirate captain who shouts and roars his way through dialogue like a pantomime villain. But it just isn't for me, I prefer my villains to have more than one dimension, not to be just a shouty monster. As soon as the Captain used the word "nincompoop", I was gone.

The scenes with the Captain and his fawning aide Mr Fibuli spoil what is otherwise a really interesting opening episode for me, and I'd rather focus on these other bits for now and ignore old Shoutyface.

One other thing I could do without is the now obligatory rambling TARDIS scene which is mostly made up of weak whimsy and attempts at comedy. It takes eleven and a half minutes for the Doctor and Romana to actually step out of the TARDIS, before which we're subjected to an awful lot of bumbling about the console arguing over who can affect the best materialisation. It's all harmless enough, and it's nice that Romana is shown to be more competent than the Doctor, who's been operating the TARDIS for 523 years apparently. In the last story it was stated that the Doctor was 759 years old, which means that he was 236 years old when he stole the TARDIS and left Gallifrey.

Then there's the completely random and nonsensical moment where K-9 begins to rapidly spin round, for absolutely no discernible reason. Suffice to say, it's just silly.

Finally, the story proper kicks in when the Doctor identifies the planet Calufrax as the location of the second segment of the Key to Time, but when they land there, it seems to have disappeared. They arrive in the right place and time, but it's no longer Calufrax, but another as yet unidentified planet. Hmmm, intriguing! "I wonder where Calufrax got to?" wonders the Doctor.

The Doctor, Romana and K-9's recce outside the TARDIS in the town square is a delight (notice the Doctor stepping out of the TARDIS with full scarf-grade PPE!), with the Doctor failing to get the attention of passers-by, but Romana being far more successful because, as K-9 points out, she is prettier! It's great to see Romana in control, essentially taking the Doctor's lead role as she does in The Horns of Nimon. Romana makes a great Dr Who! She gets all the essential information they need by chatting to a nameless citizen, played with wonderful levity by Clive Bennett. I love his scenes with Tom Baker and Mary Tamm, he strikes just the right tone, especially when eagerly scooping up the jelly babies! "Well, I'll be late for the feasts. Nice to meet you!" he chirps, making off with his haul of sweets. I love that character, it's a shame he doesn't get a name.

Our heroes find a bunch of precious stones scattered untouched on the ground: diamonds, rubies, amethysts, Andromedan bloodstones, and oolion - one of the most precious stones in the galaxy. By the way, oolion is definitely not to be confused with the Oolian race of bird-like humanoids first encountered in the novel Original Sin. Oolion is apparently only found on two planets - Qualactin and Bandraginus 5 - so what's it doing here, on Not-Calufrax? Hmmm, intriguing!

Elsewhere in the story, we have some sort of brethren or brotherhood called the Mentiads, who used to be the Captain's guards, but who now have a psychic connection and seek out others who display the same mental abilities. The scenes on location of them marching across lush green fields and across flowing streams are striking, and well shot by Pennant Roberts (in his native Wales), and their encounter with the very Blake's 7-esque guards is very effective.

What do the Mentiads want? Well, they seem to be homing in on a young man called Pralix, who spends most of the episode in fits and contortions spouting something about the life force dying. Pralix is looked over by his sister Mula and grandfather Balaton, played by two actors who seem to be projecting their performance to the back of the theatre. These "family" scenes are written with an underlying tongue in cheek though, such as when Mula whines: "Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?" - which would normally be universally recognised as a spate of Bad Acting - but which is immediately tempered, and made funny, by Balaton's: "Oh Mula, don't spoil everything by asking so many questions!" You can feel writer Douglas Adams being playful with the dialogue, presenting what are on the surface pretty bland and hackneyed lines but then undercutting them with a subtle wit. There's a similar example when the citizen hungrily steals four jelly babies, then says he's going to be late for the feasts!

So while these scenes at Balaton's place are, in parts, quite amateurishly played, I can overlook that because I think Adams is trying to be playful, which works for me. What also works for me is Jon Pusey's gorgeous design of Balaton's house. It's all floral friezes and bead curtains, and says a lot about the type of people that live there, and the town square - while sparse - looks great too (and thankfully matches the model). L. Rowland Warne's costumes are equally as sumptuous and rich - though some of the costumes are reminiscent of his less impressive work on Planet of the Spiders - and I love the petal-pink and cream outfit for Romana. I'm less impressed by Pralix's rainbow wellies though!

As the Mentiads advance on the town to seek out the "rogue telepath" Pralix, the Captain demands that they are stopped, and that Pralix should be killed before they get to him (Pralix's father displayed similar Mentiad-baiting activity, but was murdered by the Captain's guard). When the guards do rock up at Balaton's place, they're swiftly stunned by K-9, but it's not so easy to stop the Mentiads, who are resistant to K-9's laser, and render the Doctor unconscious using mental power alone.

Anything to do with the Captain aside, I really enjoyed this episode, it has set up an intriguing premise about a missing planet and a bunch of rogue telepaths who seem to pose a threat to the tyrant in his ebony tower. The whole thing about the Captain announcing regular Golden Ages of Prosperity, at which point new lights are seen in the sky, and developing telepaths such as Pralix suddenly begin to spasm and fit, is tantalising.

I just wish Bruce Purchase would bring it down a level or three.

First broadcast: September 30th, 1978

Steve's Scoreboard
The Good: Romana taking control, whether it be at the TARDIS console or during their initial recce outside. She may be prettier than the Doctor, but she's got the brains too!
The Bad: The Captain.
Overall score for episode: ★★★★★★★★☆☆

"Would you like a jelly baby?" tally: 18 - Romana offers one of the Doctor's jelly babies to the citizen. He takes four!

NEXT TIME: Part Two...

My reviews of this story's other episodes: Part Two; Part Three; Part Four

Find out birth/death dates, career information, and facts and trivia about this story's cast and crew at the Doctor Who Cast & Crew site: https://doctorwhocastandcrew.blogspot.com/2014/07/the-pirate-planet.html

The Pirate Planet is available on BBC DVD as part of the Key to Time box set. Find it on Amazon - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Doctor-Who-Key-Time-Re-issue/dp/B002TOKFNM