Planet of the Spiders Part Two

The one where the Doctor chases a man over land, air and sea...

Times really have changed, haven't they? These days, when it comes to a Doctor's last ever story, all the stops are pulled out to make it as memorable, emotional and headline-grabbingly special as possible (well, usually - that doesn't really apply to The Time of the Doctor). It's a big, important thing that the writer does not want to mess up. But with the classic series, Doctors' last adventures were a little hit-and-miss, and certainly not as heralded and well-sculpted as they would become.

And as a Doctor's final adventure, Planet of the Spiders has so far failed to impress on almost every level. Two episodes in - that's a third of the entire story - and nothing seems to be happening with any narrative urgency. The first half of part 2 bumbles along trying not to be noticed, while the second half goes all out to be as action-packed, but as mind-numbingly dull, as possible. As a whole, it's a mess.

The only worthwhile progress made in the episode is the arrival of the spider, and what it does to Lupton. Make no bones about it, this spider is scary, particularly if you're arachnophobic. Has there ever been anything quite as viscerally unsettling in Doctor Who as a giant talking spider which shoots lightning bolts and jumps on people's backs? It's the stuff of fevered cheese-fuelled nightmares, and the thought that the spider is on Lupton's back all the time, invisible to the naked eye but still ever-present, is eerie. It's quite a bossy spider too.

The spider has travelled all the way from Metebelis III (that's the nightmarish place the Doctor visited in The Green Death episode 1) to take back the blue crystal he pinched and subsequently gave to Jo Grant as a wedding present. The crystal has special properties which clear the mind and amplify thoughts, a power that could be easily misused in the wrong hands (or minds). So Planet of the Spiders is in some way a sequel to The Green Death, just after we've had a sequel to The Curse of Peladon. Neither sequels shape up.

The Doctor decides to look into the crystal to see what's there, despite the fact that when Clegg did that, it killed him. There's a really stupid moment where Benton very calmly offers to look into the crystal first, giving his life to save the Doctor's, as he is more "dispensable". At no point is this convincing. Even John Levene seems unconvinced by it. The Doctor turns Benton's random offer of self-sacrifice down, but "thanks just the same". Benton actually looks disappointed that he has to go on living!

However, we do learn that the Doctor appreciates Sergeant Benton's ability to make the second best cup of coffee in the world, after Mrs Samuel Pepys. It's true that Samuel Pepys was a great lover of coffee and coffee-houses, so his long-suffering wife was probably well-experienced in the art of the coffee bean.

(I love the fact the Brigadier speaks to medical officer Sullivan on the phone... we'd be meeting him very soon. Ian Marter was contracted to play Harry Sullivan in April 1974, the same month that studio recording for Planet of the Spiders took place, so mention of him here is "hot off the press"!).

When Lupton pinches the crystal literally from under Sarah's nose, a chase ensues which takes the whole second half of the episode and is as dull as ditch-water to watch. Jon Pertwee was famously a man of action and a lover of vehicles and gadgetry, but it's rather unprofessional of writer Robert Sloman to dedicate so much time to indulging his passion just because it's his swansong. It might have been fantastic to film it, but my goodness it's not much fun to watch, and is directed with about as much life as a dead bee (I never have been a lover of Barry Letts as a director). This is very definitely nothing like a Bond film.

My heart sank when Lupton chose to steal the awful Whomobile from the UNIT car park (why doesn't it have a Bessie-style anti-theft device?). The Doctor heads for an airstrip so that he can use a conveniently waiting gyroplane (keys ready in the ignition, naturally) to track the Whomobile from the air. There follows an interminable sequence of chases scenes involving gyroplane, Whomobile (oh my god it flies now!), speedboat and hovercraft (which it looks like Pertwee is struggling to control), stopping for pointless cameos from Chubby Oates* as a "comedy" policeman and Stuart Fell as a "comedy" tramp.

It's really, really boring and at no point does it come across as necessary.

* Perhaps the greatest fact about any cast member of this story is that in 1968 Chubby Oates co-wrote a book entitled The Pictorial History of Female Impersonation. Now that's much more interesting than this episode, isn't it?

First broadcast: May 11th, 1974

Steve's Scoreboard
The Good: The whole idea of giant talking spiders which jump on people's backs is chilling.
The Bad: The interminable and unnecessary chase scene. The vehicles used might be full of fuel, but the story is already running on empty.
Overall score for episode: ★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

"Now listen to me" tally: 35 - the Doctor says: "Now listen to me Sarah, this is important" when Sarah tries to tell him that what she's saying is important.
Neck-rub tally: 16

NEXT TIME: Part Three...

My reviews of this story's other episodes: Part One; Part Three; Part Four; Part Five; Part Six

Find out birth/death dates, career information, and facts and trivia about this story's cast and crew at the Doctor Who Cast & Crew site: http://doctorwhocastandcrew.blogspot.com/2014/06/planet-of-spiders.html

Planet of the Spiders is available on BBC DVD. Find it on Amazon - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Doctor-Who-Planet-Spiders-DVD/dp/B004P9MUK0