Conspiracy (The Romans Episode 3)

The one where things get a little bit silly...

Conspiracy is (in)famous in fandom for being the most comedic of The Romans' four episodes. There have been some claims that most of the story's comedy is confined to episode 3, which really is not the case, but it's true that the humour is at its silliest and broadest here. And after years of quite liking this episode, I've now turned against it somewhat.

It's not that the humour is done badly. Indeed, most of it is amusing enough. I think the reason I've not clicked with it this time is because I've been watching Doctor Who through, in order, seeing it as contemporary viewers would have seen it back in the 1960s. And Conspiracy just does not sit well with what has come before, and as a result sticks out like a very sore thumb. Some fans might like the light relief for an episode or two, but for me it feels forced, unnecessary and demeaning. It's just a bit too silly, don't you think, hmmm?

My opinion is backed up by those of viewers at the time. The BBC's Audience Research Report on episode 4, Inferno, saw comments refer to The Romans as "suitable only for morons", "bizarre" and "so ridiculous it's a bore".

Talbot Rothwell's BBC sitcom Up Pompeii! was still four years away, yet Conspiracy feels like it could have been inspired by it (as mentioned in my review of All Roads Lead to Rome, Rothwell's Carry On Cleo was released three months after Dennis Spooner was commissioned to write The Romans, so that wasn't an influence either). It seems Spooner was a front-runner in the chariot race to get comedy Romans onto our screens, but it could be argued he may have been influenced by the 1944 Tommy Trinder film Fiddlers Three. Whoever wins, Conspiracy's humour is definitely of the less sophisticated type.

We have Nero smashing a lyre over Tigilinus's head. We have comedy "pssssting" in corridors (although Hartnell is reliably fabulous here). We have Tigilinus's nervy attempt to get the crown on Nero's head. And perhaps the biggest offender, Nero chasing Barbara through the corridors of the palace. Yes, it's amusing to watch, but it's also very silly and not the sort of thing you expect Doctor Who to be doing. It's certainly not what most people tune in to the programme to see.

Derek Francis's performance as Nero is eye-rollingly OTT by now. It's as if he's doing an impression of Kenneth Williams doing an impression of Peter Ustinov's Nero in Quo Vadis. Francis has the comedy chops to pull it off, but as he's pretty much the only actor playing to this level, he fails to convince. I mean, "yoo hoo"? Puh-lease.

Any scene without Nero in it is basically better. The scene with the Doctor and the Emperor in the baths works better because Hartnell makes the comedy work at the right level (he really was a master at this), but Conspiracy is most enjoyable when we're following Vicki's exploration of the palace. It's amusing that she has no interest whatsoever in the Doctor's personal crusade for the truth, and splits off from him to have a look around on her own. It's even more refreshing that the Doctor pretty much lets her too, albeit with a warning not to leave the palace. He trusts her, although it soon becomes clear that maybe he is wrong to do so.

Vicki bumps into Locusta, Official Poisoner to the Court of Caesar Nero, played charmingly by Ann Tirard (she pops up 13 years later as the Seeker in The Ribos Operation, fact fans!). It's genuinely fascinating to learn that Roman emperors had official poisoners on their staff, and that being a poisoner was almost like a trade or profession, all above board ("It's nothing to do with me personally, is it?" says Locusta). Empress Poppaea (played just as charmingly by Kay Patrick, who would go on to direct and produce soap Coronation Street, fact fans!) instructs Locusta to brew a poison to kill Nero's troublesome handmaiden (who the viewer recognises as Barbara), but luckily Vicki intervenes and swaps the poisons, thus unknowingly saving Barbara's life.

But her devil-may-care attitude to history has its consequences, as the poisoned cup then becomes Nero's, and of course Nero wasn't poisoned in 64 AD (he actually killed himself four years later). The Doctor prevents Nero's death at the last minute, but this all has a severe consequence for poor old Locusta, who is blamed for the error by Poppaea, who instructs the poisoner to be sent off to the circus. And that's directly Vicki's fault too, but nobody seems to care about that. In fact, there's a very loose approach to historical fact all round, because Locusta, who was a real person, was not banished to Nero's circus at all, but survived until a few months after Nero's death circa 68/69 AD.

By the way, mention has to be made of Nero's cold-blooded, heartless and throwaway murder of his aide Tigilinus. Nero suspects the wine to be poisoned, so gets Tigilinus to taste it to find out. Tigilinus promptly keels over and dies (after barely allowing the cup to touch his lips!), and Nero just gives a James Bond-style quip. It's funny, but again within the context of Doctor Who, it's not very funny at all. By the way, Tigilinus actor Brian Proudfoot was the man doubling as the Doctor in the location scenes shot for Guests of Madame Guillotine.

There are some enjoyable moments in Conspiracy though, including the Doctor's silent lyre-playing, the fact we get to see Barbara laying a table again (with a lobster!), and more instances of the Doctor narrowly missing out on seeing Barbara. There's even a bout of really bad sword fighting around the 10 minute mark.

Ian's story strand is far less developed, far less interesting but far less humorous. He spends most of the episode in a jail cell, but this affords us the chance to see that woman slave from All Roads Lead to Rome one more time - and what a very strange nose she has! Just look at it! It's surely one of the strangest shaped noses ever to appear on a normal human in Doctor Who! Actor Dorothy-Rose Gribble (what a name!) actually had a carbuncle on her nose during filming, which is maybe why we don't get a very clear shot of her face. You can hear Toby Hadoke's interview with the 96-year-old in his Who's Round series from 2013.

The episode ends with Ian having to fight his new best buddy Delos to the death in what must be the smallest circus arena ever seen on international television or film. "Cut off his head!" demands Nero. OK, budge up so I can swing my sword...

First broadcast: January 30th, 1965

Steve's Scoreboard
The Good: Vicki's visit to Locusta's apothecary is a lovely, straightforward and genuinely enlightening relief from the slapstick going on elsewhere.
The Bad: Emperor Nero chasing Barbara Wright around the palace is like a low-rent version of Carry On Laughing.
Overall score for episode: ★★★★★★☆☆☆☆

NEXT TIME: Inferno...

My reviews of this story's other episodes: The Slave Traders (episode 1); All Roads Lead to Rome (episode 2); Inferno (episode 4)

Find out birth/death dates, career information, and facts and trivia about this story's cast and crew at the Doctor Who Cast & Crew site: http://doctorwhocastandcrew.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/the-romans.html

The Romans is available in a DVD box set with The Rescue. Find it on Amazon - https://www.amazon.co.uk/d/99t/Doctor-Who-Rescue-Romans-DVD-William-Hartnell/B001MYKYOU