Black Orchid Part One

The one where the Doctor plays cricket...

A two-part story!? We've not had one of those for seven years, but back then it took two weeks to see the story, and not two days like with Black Orchid. Because of the way Doctor Who was being broadcast during the Davison era (twice a week), stories are over so much quicker than before. Take a week's holiday, and you'd miss an entire adventure!

But in this case, you wouldn't be missing very much. Black Orchid part 1 is 25 minutes of almost nothing happening. It's the episode where the Doctor and his friends go on holiday, the sort of story that should happen when we're not looking. Perhaps it's right that Black Orchid was over so quickly back in 1982?

Don't get me wrong, it looks great. It looks fantastic, in fact. But when you get past its aesthetic attributes, you're not left with very much else. A cricket match, some dancing, and a secret passage, that's about it. The opening sequence is a riot of nonsense. It's edited so poorly that it makes little sense to a new viewer (it's hard to remember to look at these episodes with a virginal eye when I know the material so well, but it's important to do so). It shows a man being strangled to death by another man who seems to have a bad cold, then we see Nyssa tossing anxiously in her sleep, before it cuts back to someone tied up on a bed, and a Red Indian with a dish in his mouth reading a book*. It's all so disconnected and nonsensical. It's not obvious that the man who killed the other man is the same man who's tied up on the bed, and it's not obvious that that isn't Nyssa in bed asleep. And then there's a Red Indian with a dish in his mouth. It's a prelude that doesn't intrigue so much as confuse.

When the TARDIS materialises on the train platform, I feel a little better, because that makes sense. In many ways, the TARDIS should always materialise on a train platform, it just feels so right! I like the fact Tegan is now feeling more at home aboard the TARDIS, and although she rather uncharitably refers to her travelling companions as "the crew", it's obvious she's less inclined to get back to Heathrow, perhaps because she's actually enjoying her adventures a bit now? And who can blame her? Who'd choose to be an air hostess in the 1980s when you can meet megalomaniacal alien frogs, have your mind possessed by serpentine entities, or set fire to a plague-riddled London?

The Doctor questions why the TARDIS has a "compulsion for planet Earth", which is curious seeing as they have only visited Earth once since he regenerated. The TARDIS has arrived on Thursday, June 11th, 1925, at 3.00pm, which is unusually precise. If only the Doctor could glean that information every time he landed, it would be awfully useful!

The Doctor, Tegan, Nyssa and Adric are taken by car to join a rather muddy cricket match, and it seems the Doctor is expected already. Michael Cochrane is perfectly cast as the "what ho" Twenties gent, Charles Cranleigh (in fact, he's pretty much made a career out of playing men like this), who is astonished to note that Nyssa is the spitting image of his fiancee. Or, as we later discover, his long lost brother's fiancee. Yes, his brother went missing in Brazil two years ago, which allows Charlie boy to step in and carry on with George's lover. Does this mean Charles and Ann were into each other while George was still on the scene? Or is it merely a marriage of convenience, to keep Ann "in the family" for some reason? I'm confused.

He's right though, Nyssa does look the spit of Ann Talbot, which gives Sarah Sutton the opportunity to demonstrate the range of her acting skills by playing two different characters. Sadly, because Sutton doesn't really have a range to speak of, Ann comes over as an even more insipid version of Nyssa, so wastes her opportunity completely. The only difference between Nyssa and Ann is that one of them has a mole. That's as interesting as either of them get.

The Fifth Doctor has been dressing like an Edwardian cricketer since the day he regenerated, but has shown zero interest in cricket until this time. Now that he has the chance to play the game, he goes for it with gusto, and it's nice to see him enjoying himself, even if the cricketing scenes are somewhat dull. There's a nice moment when Sir Robert (played by Moray Watson, another example of good casting) compares the Doctor to "the master", as in W. G. Grace, acting as a neat little reminder of the wily villain just weeks before he's set to return.

It's all terribly civil, like an episode of Miss Marple, but there's not a lot actually happening. This is supposed to be a science-fiction adventure serial, but so far it's just been cricket and frocks. Yes, a man's been killed, but those opening scenes don't seem to have any relationship with the rest of the story, such as it is. Everybody marvels at Nyssa's likeness for Ann, Tegan requests a screwdriver (a cocktail that hasn't been invented yet), and Adric eats, like all self-respecting teenage lads should. Adric gets so little to do in this story - other than eat, and dance awkwardly - that Matthew Waterhouse might as well have had the time off.

An element of mystery enters the narrative when the man who was tied up on the bed clocks the Red Indian over the head and escapes, via the Doctor's bedroom, stealing the Time Lord's fancy dress cozzie on the way through. The Doctor (Peter Davison, the BBC's newest heartthrob) is dressed in a silk dressing gown, flashing a bit of chest, and wanders down a secret passage, cursing himself for letting his curiosity get the better of him. Thank goodness it does, otherwise very little would be happening at all. The Doctor finds a hidden wing of the house, including a cupboard full of books, and another full of clothes. A third cupboard contains a corpse, which the Doctor just about manages to react to.

Meanwhile, on the breezy terrace, everybody's having a gay old time, with Tegan dancing to the Charleston, Adric scoffing sausage rolls (love the fact he's put his star badge on his fancy dress costume) and Nyssa busy trying to make everybody think she's Ann, and Ann trying to make everybody think she's Nyssa. It's all so terribly lovely, and terribly dull.

The man with the bad cold who knocked the Red Indian unconscious and pinched the Doctor's fancy dress costume dances into the house with Ann, but then gets a bit frisky. A passing waiter tries to rescue his mistress from the clutches of the sinister harlequin, but is swiftly murdered, and the episode ends with Ann (or is it Nyssa?) fainting to the floor, her clownish oppressor's hands approaching her throat.

Who is the killer clown? Why is there a Red Indian with a dish in his mouth? Will Tegan get it on with Sir Robert? And why is Charles Cranleigh dating his brother's fiancee? All these questions, but I still barely care.

* I know he's not a Red Indian, and I know it's not a dish. I'm being facetious because that's essentially what an eight-year-old would see it as when watching in the less enlightened 1980s.

First broadcast: March 1st, 1982

Steve's Scoreboard
The Good: The guest cast are all well chosen for these spiffing parts.
The Bad: The absence of plot.
Overall score for episode: ★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆

NEXT TIME: Part Two...

My reviews of this story's other episodes: Part Two

Find out birth/death dates, career information, and facts and trivia about this story's cast and crew at the Doctor Who Cast & Crew site.

Black Orchid is available on BBC DVD. Find it on Amazon - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Doctor-Who-Black-Orchid-DVD/dp/B0015083M6